The Care and Feeding Manual

So you've decided to try and be friends with me. Thanks! That's awesome of you! Here's a few other things you might want to know.

For the moment, please assume I am very stupid. I am a product of the California Education System, and therefore clueless to many simple cultural things you will think I should be understanding. Please speak plainly if I seem particularly dense. If you're hinting at something and I don't get it, just dump the truth on me.

Did I just bring kale to a potluck? Did I just declare grilling some hotdogs to be barbecue? Has it been 3 weeks and I still haven't sent a thank you card for something? TELL ME! I want to know! All I ask is to please be as gentle as possible. I want to learn to be a proper Southern Lady, and I come across as made of steel, but the steel effect is actually just a cool finish I applied over the cracked porcelain held together with baling wire and prayers.

I have been trying to learn as much about Southern culture beforehand as I could because I dearly want to assimilate and make a strong group of friends. Please be patient with me and feel free to explain things. That said, I will always want to watch less sports than you and desire less calories in my tea.

Please understand that your hometown is like your mother. No matter how bad or good she was, only you can badmouth her. I will try very hard not to complain about things in the South that I misremember as being better in Los Angeles. Please do not badmouth Los Angeles or California about things unless I already have ahead of you. She's effed up and a hot mess, but it wasn't always this way and my heart is full of positive memories.

Now let's make some new ones here!